So this is it! We are in shock…truly.  We can’t believe it.  We don’t really know what to do with ourselves. Except stare at the tests and at each other, and say over and over again, “We’re pregnant.”

S was so sweet and she bought me a beautiful necklace, that she has been holding on to since December, just for this day!

Thank you all for you hopes and crossed fingers, I’m sure all that energy has been helping. 

Gotcha.  Every month, I get hopeful, start reading into the signs and symptoms, and then nope.  The TTC roller coaster got me again.  No pregnancy.

Day 14 DPO and still counting… I was not getting too excited about it one way or the other this month.  After all, our doctor is wanting to diagnose J with “unexplained infertility” even though that doesn’t mean anything.  So, despite the fact that we decided to soldier on with the trying, I kind of felt like we were doing it just to humor ourselves.  We didn’t like what our doc was telling us, so we almost went into this cycle in a rebellious way… like, “Even though you don’t think we should be doing the same thing again this month, we’re gonna do whatever we want.  Ha!” 

And the truth is that we did do a couple of things differently.  We switched up the donor for the first time, and J has been doing her wonderful acupuncture treatments.  But still, I was skeptical.  I just wasn’t investing in this try the same way emotionally, and I had finally decided that that was ok.  I have been working so hard to be the cheerleader, and I finally was able to let go.  To accept that people get pregnant all the time, not always with the best energy or the most ideal circumstances, and that it was ok not to get super hopeful this time.  And this was comforting to me.  And J was ok with this.  So life was good.  We were going to try, and that’s all wonderful, but I wasn’t getting excited.

And it happened again!  Gotcha.  These darn symptoms are just all pointing to pregnancy, and how can I not be hopeful?  J and I went out to dinner last night after her acupuncture appointment and had such a great date night.  We were so relaxed and had such nice conversation.  And then when we went through the list of symptoms and J pointed out to me that she has not yet gotten to 13 DPO without spotting during our previous tries… Suddenly, I was convinced that we must be pregnant!  But we don’t know.  We’re not testing until tomorrow.  And I’ve been fooled before.  I feel like this darn TTC process gets me every time.  Doesn’t matter what we do.  Poor J has a new set of interesting symptoms every time, but no pregnancy.  So I feel like there’s this yo-yo inside of me, and I start getting really wound up and excited and convinced that we’re pregnant… and then I have to release it, let it go, relax, knowing that we are just as likely not to be pregnant, as has been the case every other time we’ve tried. 

Seriously, though?  I think she might be pregnant this time.  I have never known anyone with breasts this sensitive.  She lies down in bed, sighs relief (because gravity isn’t pulling them down), and then she pulls the blanket over her (a light, fluffy down comforter) and winces as she lays it on top of her chest.  I mean, seriously people, that’s got to mean something, right?????  Right???  

So here we are at 12 dpo.  We are almost at the end of the wait.  If my period is coming I should start spotting today or tomorrow.  By the end of the week we should know something.

And a word about testing.  I notice that I am far less crazy if I don’t test.  So we are not going to test until I am actually late which would be Thursday or maybe even Friday.  I think getting my period is a whole lot easier for me to take than staring at a white space on a pregnancy test.

My boobs are still killing me.

Here we are at 10 dpo.  We have had a few symptoms to (try not to) obsess over. 

*Emotional about weird things.  Like I was full out crying over a tv show where the family went to d*sney land.  When I saw Mickey it really got me going.  I don’t know why.

*Weird bloating on and off for the past couple of days.  This is highly unusual for me.

*Sore boobs.  Sometimes this happens during PMS so I’m trying not to get too excited about this one, but it is hard not to.

S and I are feeling a little apprehensive.  As S said today, “It’s not like I’m not hopeful, but if we actually get pregnant I’ll fall over.”  I guess after doing this over and over again you start to assume that you will be doing this forever.  You wonder if it is actually possible.  So even though we are excited about our symptoms we are also not reading too much into them…we have done that so many times before and it has never been “true.” 

At this point we are prepared to finish out the waiting.  By the end of the week hopefully we will know something.

That was as hellish as expected.  I cried, the cats cried.  The vet was very sweet and the assistant was clueless but trying really hard.  I only gave a little blood to the cause with scratches all over my hands.  The vet didn’t even get to listen to her heart or anything and he recommends that we “minimize her trips” to the vet.  He even mentioned that he does house calls…we might have to look into that option.  I thought wrestling them into the carriers was challenging enough….little did I know what was to come.  I’m so glad to be home and the growling has finally subsided.

So I’m biding my time here in this TWW.  Today is 8 dpo, so I’ve officially made it through the first half of this wait…only another week to go.  Not to many symptoms to speak of: bloated (but I think this was the egg mcmuffin I ate yesterday) and a bit more emotional (easier to cry), and some random cramps here and there.  That’s it, nothing too exciting.

Today was an annual event that I celebrate with myself.  It was the first leg shave of the season.  I have the hairiest legs of any woman I have ever met, and hairier than most men I have met.  Really I should have taken a before picture for you all.  So this fact along with the fact that I have very, very sensitive skin makes shaving a bit of a nightmare for me.  So I only make myself do it from May to September.  If I want smooth skin I would have to shave twice a day, this is sadly not an exaggeration.  But I only do it every other day.  So today I am enjoying the smooth, free feeling of the first shave of the season.

The other annual event I have today is taking our cats to the vet.  This is not a fun adventure.  Our big orange cat loves the vet, he loves anyone.  So he purrs and cuddles and everyone at the vet’s office loves him.  He also is often sick with crazy things so we bring him often and we spend a lot of money there.  So they love us too.  Our little, petite female cat is a NIGHTMARE at the vet.  Truly.  She screams and hisses and spits and scratches and bites.  They have had to have the “cat wrangler” come and hold her down, all 8 pounds of her, with big heavy leather gloves.  We have the feeling of embarrassed parents when a child misbehaves in public.  We find ourselves saying things like “she never acts like this at home.”

             

I’m on my own for this adventure today because S went to Massachusetts to visit her grandmother today.  Her grandmother has been ill the past few days so S wanted to go help her out.

(Oh, I don’t need any hair removal advice…trust me, I’ve tried it all.)

I really, really love going to my acupuncture appointments.  When I first go in, I am excited but if you asked me I’d probably say I was relaxed.  But then as I lay there with the needles in and the glass cups on my back I can feel my muscles letting go and relaxing.  When I do a body scan as I lay there my shoulders become more and more relaxed.  By the time I move to my back I am bleary eyed, even my eyelids are relaxed.  And then when she uses moxabustion (lighting mugwort) the smell of incense is great.

I’ve already noted some differences since starting 3 weeks ago.  My headaches have disappeared.  My sleep has been amazing (and I didn’t even think I was having any sleep issues).  My chart seems a bit different, nothing drastic, maybe just a little less spastic.  And my acupuncturist told me today that my tongue was looking “great.”  I have no idea what that means, but I’m glad.

Now it’s 5 dpo and I’m still feeling pretty zen about the whole wait.  It just feels okay and natural.  I’m not yet at the half way point, we’ll see if that makes a difference. But right now I’m feeling good about the wait.

Work is a different story. I don’t want to go into all the details here, but let’s just say that going to work makes me want to cry.  We are in the midst of a MAJOR transition where many, many staff are leaving.  I am staying (for now), and my supervisor is awesome and he really, really wants me to stay, and he tells me that staying “will all be worth it in the end.”  I don’t know what prize I am working towards, but I’m sticking it out for now, even though the higher ups are making decisions that make my work life hell.  I hope it will be worth it.  In my current position I do not have any benefits.  I get paid per client that I see.  I think the prize is going to be that they are going to give me benefits back.  This would be awesome….especially if I can get paid maternity leave!!!!  But I used to have benefits and about 2 years ago they took them away, so I don’t really trust them to keep me on benefits.  We will see.  I’m trying to apply my zen feelings to this situation.

I’m going to acupuncture tomorrow. I can not wait.  I’ve been dreaming about it since Sunday.  This should help me get into a nice zen feeling in all aspects of my life.

Here we are at 3 days past ovulation.  Nothing really exciting to report.

This is the first cycle, since we have been having IUIs, that all of my fertility signs have actually lined up and that FF has even put my ovulation day on the day that I believe that I ovulated.  WooHoo!  I’ve got to say it feels really validating.

I’m feeling hopeful, but not overly optimistic.  I’m not throwing myself into positive thinking like last cycle.  The disappointment that we had was a lot to take and I think I still feel a little vulnerable, even after the cycle off.  But I don’t feel totally pessimistic either.  I feel more zen, it is what it is and I’ll be okay either way.  And I can’t control it at all.

We have had some good relaxing this weekend and spent time with some friends.  It has felt really nice.

I have some weird food things.  Not to the point of an eating disorder, but possibly a bit obsessive. 

First is that I don’t like vegetables.  I eat them because I have to.  I have really tried in my life to like them and I have found ways that I prefer to eat them, but I don’t like them.  I tolerate them better when they are cooked into things (think casseroles and soups and burritos).  S will often add spinach to her quesadillas and I can’t stand to do this because I literally feel like I am ruining a perfectly good food by adding vegetables to every bite.  I instead will eat a few handfuls of spinach dry and swallow with a big glass of water, like taking medicine.  Then I can enjoy my quesadilla.  Spinach is one of the least offensive vegetables.

Another food issue I have is that I hate bones.  I won’t eat anything that is on a bone.  This has been true since I was a small child.  When I was little “bones” also included Popsicle sticks and pie crusts, which I have gotten over.  If I am eating a piece of fish and come across a bone I’m all done.  I can not eat anymore.  When I eat salmon I take little, little bites and smoosh them onto the plate to make sure there are no bones hiding in there.

And another issue I have is chicken.  I almost never order chicken at a restaurant because it might have a funny thing in it.  You know those hard gross things. It makes me sick just to think about it.  I especially won’t order chicken when eating Chinese food or Indian food….I’ve had really bad experiences.  When I do eat chicken I dissect it into very small pieces.  When S cooks chicken (I won’t cook chicken) for dinner she tries to be really good and cuts it into small pieces for me.  I guess it is really about not liking to have any unexpected things in my mouth. 

So what do I eat, you ask? Carbs.  I LOVE them and I have since I was a little kid.  Pasta, bread, cereal, potatoes, rice, etc.  And sauces, sometimes I eat food just to have the sauce.

I do try to eat healthy, but sometimes it can be challenging.  I wonder how my eating habits will change when pregnant….should be interesting.